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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Browns Impressed By Johnny Manziel’s Chemistry With Bench

CLEVELAND—Noting that it normally takes several seasons before a tandem develops such a solid connection, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine told reporters Thursday that he has been extremely impressed by rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel’s growing chemistry with the team bench. “They haven’t had much time together yet, but Johnny is really beginning to gel with our bench,” said Pettine, adding that the Browns coaching staff has been incredibly pleased to see the ease and comfort with which their first-year signal caller has worked with the bench during practices and preseason games. “You can tell there’s a genuine sense of trust and a truly unspoken bond between the two. It’s a very natural relationship, and we’re very excited to see how it grows—so far, they’ve been practically inseparable.” Pettine added that given the way Manziel has clicked with the bench thus far, he believes the two have the potential to eventually become the Browns’ most prolific quarterback-bench tandem since the Brady Quinn era.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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