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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Browns Reject Concept Of Controlling Own Playoff Destiny: 'Everything Is Chaos'

CLEVELAND—The Cleveland Browns, although 8-4 going into Week 13 and needing only to win two of their last three games independent of the win/loss record of other AFC teams, rejected the idea that they or anyone else could actually control their own destiny in a chaotic universe. "The cosmos tends towards greater entropy, as man tends towards ever more destructive tendencies and the AFC North tends towards the passing game, and the only constant in our mutable world is change—we cannot afford the illusion of control," said head coach Romeo Crennel, who buried his face in his hands and shook throughout his existentially terrifying Tuesday press conference. "Our playbook, like the books of our very lives, is writ on water; we die a little every day on the field and off, and each step we take brings us closer to ruin and heartbreak, if not the goal line; and also, regardless of the outcome against Buffalo, we really need either the Titans or the Broncos to lose at least one game." Quarterback Derek Anderson echoed his coach's outlook, saying he planned to "just heave the ball up and, although not praying, watch in mixed hope and terror as the incalculable probabilities play themselves out downfield" against opposing secondaries for the rest of the season.

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