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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Browns Reject Concept Of Controlling Own Playoff Destiny: 'Everything Is Chaos'

CLEVELAND—The Cleveland Browns, although 8-4 going into Week 13 and needing only to win two of their last three games independent of the win/loss record of other AFC teams, rejected the idea that they or anyone else could actually control their own destiny in a chaotic universe. "The cosmos tends towards greater entropy, as man tends towards ever more destructive tendencies and the AFC North tends towards the passing game, and the only constant in our mutable world is change—we cannot afford the illusion of control," said head coach Romeo Crennel, who buried his face in his hands and shook throughout his existentially terrifying Tuesday press conference. "Our playbook, like the books of our very lives, is writ on water; we die a little every day on the field and off, and each step we take brings us closer to ruin and heartbreak, if not the goal line; and also, regardless of the outcome against Buffalo, we really need either the Titans or the Broncos to lose at least one game." Quarterback Derek Anderson echoed his coach's outlook, saying he planned to "just heave the ball up and, although not praying, watch in mixed hope and terror as the incalculable probabilities play themselves out downfield" against opposing secondaries for the rest of the season.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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