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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Browns Reject Concept Of Controlling Own Playoff Destiny: 'Everything Is Chaos'

CLEVELAND—The Cleveland Browns, although 8-4 going into Week 13 and needing only to win two of their last three games independent of the win/loss record of other AFC teams, rejected the idea that they or anyone else could actually control their own destiny in a chaotic universe. "The cosmos tends towards greater entropy, as man tends towards ever more destructive tendencies and the AFC North tends towards the passing game, and the only constant in our mutable world is change—we cannot afford the illusion of control," said head coach Romeo Crennel, who buried his face in his hands and shook throughout his existentially terrifying Tuesday press conference. "Our playbook, like the books of our very lives, is writ on water; we die a little every day on the field and off, and each step we take brings us closer to ruin and heartbreak, if not the goal line; and also, regardless of the outcome against Buffalo, we really need either the Titans or the Broncos to lose at least one game." Quarterback Derek Anderson echoed his coach's outlook, saying he planned to "just heave the ball up and, although not praying, watch in mixed hope and terror as the incalculable probabilities play themselves out downfield" against opposing secondaries for the rest of the season.

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