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Politics

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Plays 'Big Government's Stealin' Our Livelihood' At Obama Rally

PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.” “Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.” According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”

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