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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Bruce Springsteen On Fence About Playing Assad’s Birthday Gig

RUMSON, NJ­—Sources close to Bruce Springsteen confirmed yesterday that the rock legend continues to have mixed feelings about accepting an invitation to perform at Syrian president Bashar al-Assad’s upcoming 48th birthday party. “I mean, he’s a big fan, and the money’s good, so it’s a close call, ya know?” Springsteen reportedly said of the upcoming gig, in which the 63-year-old musician would be expected to play a 45-minute set with the The E Street Band at the Presidential Palace before al-Assad, his family, and several high-ranking military officers. “Besides, I kind of accepted over the phone when he asked, so the rest of the band is already over there right now. It sucks, but it might be the kind of thing where you just have to grit your teeth, go out there, and get it over with. Will it be my finest moment? No, but 200 grand is 200 grand.” Springsteen added that if he does ultimately decide to play the party, he’s thinking of opening with “Badlands” into “The Ties That Bind” and then closing with an extended jam on “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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