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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Bruins Offer Coaching, Front-Office, Playing Position To Ray Bourque

BOSTON—Citing continued leadership problems at the executive and strategic levels, as well as the fact that they could use a little help on defense, Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs expressed interest in signing former All-Star captain Ray Bourque to help the struggling Bruins "in a variety of ways." "In addition to being a favorite of fans here in Boston, Ray Bourque is a proven champion," Jacobs said, referring to Bourque's 21 years with the Bruins and his brief stint with the Stanley Cup-winning Colorado Avalanche. "I believe the leadership, vision, and motivation he exhibited during two decades as a professional hockey player will translate extremely well to his new roles as head coach, general manager, and hockey player." The 45-year-old Bourque announced he is considering the offer, but will weigh it against the opportunity recently offered to him to become concessions, lighting, and entertainment director for Boston's TD Banknorth Garden.

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