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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bruins Sign Future Flyers All-Star To Three-Year Deal

BOSTON—The Bruins agreed to terms Monday with 2005 second-round draft pick Petr Kalus, signing him to a three-year contract that NHL insiders predict will be just long enough for Kalus to evolve into an All-Star-caliber player before his inevitable trade to the perennial playoff contender Philadelphia Flyers. The Czech Republic native will follow former Bruin greats Sergei Samsonov and Joe Thornton in continuing the tradition of Boston players who were traded immediately before their breakout season. "We look forward to obstructing Petr's development during his three frustrating years in Boston, although we certainly dread watching his much better career after he blossoms into the Flyers' top point scorer," Bruins interim GM Jeff Gorton said. "I wouldn't be surprised to see him score 30 goals in a season, many of them against us." Over his three years in Boston, Kalus is expected to endure a brief stint in the minors, be called up by the cellar-dwelling Bruins, battle a series of avoidable minor injuries, get traded for two draft picks and a player to be named later to Philadelphia, and begin his run at being named MVP in 2009, 2010, and 2013.

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