adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Brunch Livened Up By Jazz Trio's Violent Breakup

SAN FRANCISCO—An ordinary Sunday afternoon brunch at Café Cleo was enlivened by an explosive physical exchange between members of jazz band Everywhere/Nowhere, which ended with saxophonist Dave Jeremy storming out of the eatery. "I was just sitting there eating my eggs Benedict with tempeh hash browns, and all a sudden the music stopped and I heard this loud 'crack' and a spit-covered mouthpiece whizzed past my head," said local silk-screen artist Sarah Wang, who was dining with poet Jenna Nowler and playwright James Lewis. "Not only did the jazz stop for a while, we also had something to talk about besides James' new one-act." After the breakup, the two remaining members of Everywhere/Nowhere played a 30-minute drum-and-bass version of "My Funny Valentine."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close