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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Brunch Livened Up By Jazz Trio's Violent Breakup

SAN FRANCISCO—An ordinary Sunday afternoon brunch at Café Cleo was enlivened by an explosive physical exchange between members of jazz band Everywhere/Nowhere, which ended with saxophonist Dave Jeremy storming out of the eatery. "I was just sitting there eating my eggs Benedict with tempeh hash browns, and all a sudden the music stopped and I heard this loud 'crack' and a spit-covered mouthpiece whizzed past my head," said local silk-screen artist Sarah Wang, who was dining with poet Jenna Nowler and playwright James Lewis. "Not only did the jazz stop for a while, we also had something to talk about besides James' new one-act." After the breakup, the two remaining members of Everywhere/Nowhere played a 30-minute drum-and-bass version of "My Funny Valentine."

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