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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Brunch Livened Up By Jazz Trio's Violent Breakup

SAN FRANCISCO—An ordinary Sunday afternoon brunch at Café Cleo was enlivened by an explosive physical exchange between members of jazz band Everywhere/Nowhere, which ended with saxophonist Dave Jeremy storming out of the eatery. "I was just sitting there eating my eggs Benedict with tempeh hash browns, and all a sudden the music stopped and I heard this loud 'crack' and a spit-covered mouthpiece whizzed past my head," said local silk-screen artist Sarah Wang, who was dining with poet Jenna Nowler and playwright James Lewis. "Not only did the jazz stop for a while, we also had something to talk about besides James' new one-act." After the breakup, the two remaining members of Everywhere/Nowhere played a 30-minute drum-and-bass version of "My Funny Valentine."

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