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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Brutal Gang Rape Gives Screenplay More 'Punch'

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Screenwriter Justin Weichert "punched up" his screenplay for the action-suspense film Lethal Force, adding a brutal gang-rape scene, it was reported Monday. "The studio asked for a little more oomph, a little more edge," Weichert said of the added scene, in which the sister of lead character Jack Fist is brutally raped in an alley by Fist arch-enemy Ivan Petra and a band of the Russian drug lord's thugs. "So, to give Fist more motivation, I figured I'd put in a crime he'd definitely want revenge for. Only the sickest of freaks would fail to identify with the hero after seeing this rape scene." Weichert also noted that the scene calls for female nudity, which "has never hurt a film's box-office receipts."

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