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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bubba Gump Shrimp Owner Comforts Depressed Guy Fieri

'I've Been There, Bud,' Says Fellow Restaurant Owner

NEW YORK—Dejected by the scathing New York Times review of his new Times Square–based eatery, Guy Fieri was reportedly consoled today by local Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. franchise owner Phillip Grayson, who told the depressed Food Network star, “Hey, definitely been there before, man.” “Don’t worry, bud, I know exactly what you’re going through right now,” Grayson said to a crestfallen Fieri, explaining that he’s “seen more than [his] own share of bad reviews slamming Bubba Gump’s Dixie Fishwich and Shrimper’s Heaven platter.” “No matter how good you’re feeling about the Forrest’s Seafood Feast you just pulled out of the deep fryer, there’s always someone out there ready to take you down a peg. That’s just Times Square, my man. All part of the game.” Sources said Grayson then offered Fieri a plate of Bubba’s Dumb Luck Coconut Shrimp on the house.

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