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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Buccaneers Inform Jeff Garcia That No Team Ever Wanted Him

TAMPA BAY, FL—Shortly after ending a two-year relationship with Jeff Garcia Monday, the Buccaneers front office notified its former quarterback that no NFL organization had in fact ever wanted or needed the 38-year-old. "It was hard to see that look on his face, but he needed to learn that no team—not even the Bears—could imagine a future with him," said owner Malcolm Glazer. "We were only stuck with Jeff for this long because nobody better was available." Glazer, who said the decision to make a clean break came after consideration of Garcia's arm strength, height, freckles, and male pattern baldness, admitted the Buccaneers only pursued the quarterback to see if it made other free agents interested in the team.

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