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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Buccaneers Inform Jeff Garcia That No Team Ever Wanted Him

TAMPA BAY, FL—Shortly after ending a two-year relationship with Jeff Garcia Monday, the Buccaneers front office notified its former quarterback that no NFL organization had in fact ever wanted or needed the 38-year-old. "It was hard to see that look on his face, but he needed to learn that no team—not even the Bears—could imagine a future with him," said owner Malcolm Glazer. "We were only stuck with Jeff for this long because nobody better was available." Glazer, who said the decision to make a clean break came after consideration of Garcia's arm strength, height, freckles, and male pattern baldness, admitted the Buccaneers only pursued the quarterback to see if it made other free agents interested in the team.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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