adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
End Of Section
  • More News

Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

WASHINGTON, DC—Alarmed by rising high-school dropout rates and declining test scores, buck-naked education consultant Dr. Donald Scherr urged America's youth to "put education first" during an address to more than 300 educators and students Monday.

Buck-naked education consultant Donald Scherr (far right) offers a group of teachers tips on how to better motivate students.

"No matter what you want to be, a good education is the way to get there," said Scherr, his limp penis hanging visibly. "Your mind is like a car's gas tank: If you don't fill it, your future doesn't look so good."

The unclothed Scherr also took teachers to task for allowing standards to dip sharply over the past two decades. "A student today can graduate from high school knowing little more than the multiplication tables and who the current president is. Not long ago, that student would have been bumped back to the third grade," he said, sweat forming in the folds of stomach fat hanging down over his waist. "Every student should graduate high school knowing why World War I happened, how to determine the volume of a cylinder, and the difference between a simile and a metaphor. And if they do not, it is largely the fault of you, their teachers."

Scherr, who caught many of the educators in attendance off guard with his stinging words of rebuke and full-frontal nudity, said that U.S. schools are suffering from what he termed "buck-passing," whereby the most serious problems affecting the nation's children are being written off as "someone else's problem."

"We all need to stop looking for where to place the blame and start looking for real solutions," the small-nippled author of Why Johnny Can't Read: 22 Steps To Making America's Schools Work Again said. "This is everybody's problem."

While all U.S. schools have been hit hard by the drop in federal education funding over the last 20 years, Scherr said that it is inner-city schools that have suffered the most. "No matter how hard-working and determined a poor, inner-city youth is, without access to a solid education, that child will not acquire the skills necessary to break the cycle of poverty. We must not allow this shameful inequality to continue," said Scherr, his scrotal sac rising slightly as he thumped the podium to emphasize his point.

Scherr closed by saying that in this era of declining interest in education, an active, interested parent is more important than ever.

"Find out what's happening in your kid's education and get involved. Help them with their homework. Meet regularly with their teachers. Ask to see their report card. But above all, encourage them. Otherwise, we are putting society's most valuable resource—our future leaders—at a real disadvantage." Upon completing his remarks, Scherr exited the press conference, his doughy buttocks jiggling considerably.

Scherr then spent the afternoon handing out "Be Cool—Stay In School" pamphlets and buttons to D.C.-area schoolchildren, accompanied by "Trevor," a rapping pro-education kangaroo featured in a recent series of nationally televised public-service announcements. He will appear on Capitol Hill Thursday to testify before the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Economic and Educational Opportunities, clad in a pair of black dress socks.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close