adBlockCheck

Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Streaming

Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

WASHINGTON, DC—Alarmed by rising high-school dropout rates and declining test scores, buck-naked education consultant Dr. Donald Scherr urged America's youth to "put education first" during an address to more than 300 educators and students Monday.

Buck-naked education consultant Donald Scherr (far right) offers a group of teachers tips on how to better motivate students.

"No matter what you want to be, a good education is the way to get there," said Scherr, his limp penis hanging visibly. "Your mind is like a car's gas tank: If you don't fill it, your future doesn't look so good."

The unclothed Scherr also took teachers to task for allowing standards to dip sharply over the past two decades. "A student today can graduate from high school knowing little more than the multiplication tables and who the current president is. Not long ago, that student would have been bumped back to the third grade," he said, sweat forming in the folds of stomach fat hanging down over his waist. "Every student should graduate high school knowing why World War I happened, how to determine the volume of a cylinder, and the difference between a simile and a metaphor. And if they do not, it is largely the fault of you, their teachers."

Scherr, who caught many of the educators in attendance off guard with his stinging words of rebuke and full-frontal nudity, said that U.S. schools are suffering from what he termed "buck-passing," whereby the most serious problems affecting the nation's children are being written off as "someone else's problem."

"We all need to stop looking for where to place the blame and start looking for real solutions," the small-nippled author of Why Johnny Can't Read: 22 Steps To Making America's Schools Work Again said. "This is everybody's problem."

While all U.S. schools have been hit hard by the drop in federal education funding over the last 20 years, Scherr said that it is inner-city schools that have suffered the most. "No matter how hard-working and determined a poor, inner-city youth is, without access to a solid education, that child will not acquire the skills necessary to break the cycle of poverty. We must not allow this shameful inequality to continue," said Scherr, his scrotal sac rising slightly as he thumped the podium to emphasize his point.

Scherr closed by saying that in this era of declining interest in education, an active, interested parent is more important than ever.

"Find out what's happening in your kid's education and get involved. Help them with their homework. Meet regularly with their teachers. Ask to see their report card. But above all, encourage them. Otherwise, we are putting society's most valuable resource—our future leaders—at a real disadvantage." Upon completing his remarks, Scherr exited the press conference, his doughy buttocks jiggling considerably.

Scherr then spent the afternoon handing out "Be Cool—Stay In School" pamphlets and buttons to D.C.-area schoolchildren, accompanied by "Trevor," a rapping pro-education kangaroo featured in a recent series of nationally televised public-service announcements. He will appear on Capitol Hill Thursday to testify before the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Economic and Educational Opportunities, clad in a pair of black dress socks.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close