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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Buck-Naked Man Stresses Importance Of Proper Schooling

WASHINGTON, DC—Alarmed by rising high-school dropout rates and declining test scores, buck-naked education consultant Dr. Donald Scherr urged America's youth to "put education first" during an address to more than 300 educators and students Monday.

Buck-naked education consultant Donald Scherr (far right) offers a group of teachers tips on how to better motivate students.

"No matter what you want to be, a good education is the way to get there," said Scherr, his limp penis hanging visibly. "Your mind is like a car's gas tank: If you don't fill it, your future doesn't look so good."

The unclothed Scherr also took teachers to task for allowing standards to dip sharply over the past two decades. "A student today can graduate from high school knowing little more than the multiplication tables and who the current president is. Not long ago, that student would have been bumped back to the third grade," he said, sweat forming in the folds of stomach fat hanging down over his waist. "Every student should graduate high school knowing why World War I happened, how to determine the volume of a cylinder, and the difference between a simile and a metaphor. And if they do not, it is largely the fault of you, their teachers."

Scherr, who caught many of the educators in attendance off guard with his stinging words of rebuke and full-frontal nudity, said that U.S. schools are suffering from what he termed "buck-passing," whereby the most serious problems affecting the nation's children are being written off as "someone else's problem."

"We all need to stop looking for where to place the blame and start looking for real solutions," the small-nippled author of Why Johnny Can't Read: 22 Steps To Making America's Schools Work Again said. "This is everybody's problem."

While all U.S. schools have been hit hard by the drop in federal education funding over the last 20 years, Scherr said that it is inner-city schools that have suffered the most. "No matter how hard-working and determined a poor, inner-city youth is, without access to a solid education, that child will not acquire the skills necessary to break the cycle of poverty. We must not allow this shameful inequality to continue," said Scherr, his scrotal sac rising slightly as he thumped the podium to emphasize his point.

Scherr closed by saying that in this era of declining interest in education, an active, interested parent is more important than ever.

"Find out what's happening in your kid's education and get involved. Help them with their homework. Meet regularly with their teachers. Ask to see their report card. But above all, encourage them. Otherwise, we are putting society's most valuable resource—our future leaders—at a real disadvantage." Upon completing his remarks, Scherr exited the press conference, his doughy buttocks jiggling considerably.

Scherr then spent the afternoon handing out "Be Cool—Stay In School" pamphlets and buttons to D.C.-area schoolchildren, accompanied by "Trevor," a rapping pro-education kangaroo featured in a recent series of nationally televised public-service announcements. He will appear on Capitol Hill Thursday to testify before the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Economic and Educational Opportunities, clad in a pair of black dress socks.

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