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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Buck Showalter Terrified To Walk Alone To Mound At Night

BALTIMORE—Calling it “a bad part of the field, plain and simple,” Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter told reporters Tuesday that he is terrified of walking to the Camden Yards pitcher’s mound by himself late at night. “It’s dangerous enough during day games, but you’re not going to see me out there on my own once the sun goes down,” said Showalter, adding that in the event he has no other choice but to make a visit to the hill at night, he takes a well-lit path and always makes sure to bring a catcher with him. “It’s a tough crowd that hangs out in this ballpark, but that mound is definitely the worst. I mean, I don’t want to sound racist here, but the last time I stopped by, there was this huge Mexican guy with a baseball bat standing no more than 60 feet and 6 inches away from me. No thank you.” Showalter added that he also makes sure to take a wide berth around Camden Yards’ perilous outfield, recounting how last fall he was robbed at knifepoint by Orioles right fielder Nick Markakis.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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