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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Buck Showalter Terrified To Walk Alone To Mound At Night

BALTIMORE—Calling it “a bad part of the field, plain and simple,” Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter told reporters Tuesday that he is terrified of walking to the Camden Yards pitcher’s mound by himself late at night. “It’s dangerous enough during day games, but you’re not going to see me out there on my own once the sun goes down,” said Showalter, adding that in the event he has no other choice but to make a visit to the hill at night, he takes a well-lit path and always makes sure to bring a catcher with him. “It’s a tough crowd that hangs out in this ballpark, but that mound is definitely the worst. I mean, I don’t want to sound racist here, but the last time I stopped by, there was this huge Mexican guy with a baseball bat standing no more than 60 feet and 6 inches away from me. No thank you.” Showalter added that he also makes sure to take a wide berth around Camden Yards’ perilous outfield, recounting how last fall he was robbed at knifepoint by Orioles right fielder Nick Markakis.

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