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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be

TAMPA, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer, former NFL coach and current head of UFL’s Virginia Destroyers, to discuss how utterly terrible he would be in the position. “We were fascinated by Marty’s embarrassingly dated offensive philosophies, his inability to make defensive adjustments that optimize his on-field personnel, and his tendency to lose his cool in pressure-filled game situations,” said Bucs co-chairman Joel Glazer, adding that Schottenheimer has proven he has what it takes to win in the NFL “unless it’s an important game,” and furthermore would have “absolutely no idea” what to do with promising young quarterback Josh Freeman. “Plus, he’d probably bring in his idiot son Brian to coach the offense, completing a totally dismal package.” Sources close to the Buccaneers said the meeting “went very well” and Schottenheimer is now the leading candidate to take over the team.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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