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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Bud Selig Nervously Informs Ozzie Guillen That White Sox Aren't Making Playoffs

CHICAGO—With the regular season winding down and the White Sox seven games out of first place, a sweating, visibly shaking Bud Selig entered Ozzie Guillen's office Monday to tell the notoriously proud, hot-tempered manager that his team had been eliminated from playoff contention. "Excuse me, Ozzie, or Mr. Guillen, whichever you prefer… Well, Mr. Guillen, sir, I'm afraid I need to tell you something, and well, it's about the whole October thing and the Twins and the Tigers and the playoffs start soon and…" the commissioner reportedly said before leaning on Guillen's desk and accidentally knocking over a picture frame and a can full of pencils. "The whole league, I just want you to know, we were all really pulling for you, really all year, just thought you were doing a tremendous job, and, well… Okay, well, I'm going to leave now. See you in… April, then?" Selig later announced that, due to a miscommunication, the White Sox would be facing the Yankees in the first round of the playoffs, and promised that he "will definitely make it up to the Tigers next year."

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