adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bud Selig Still Hoping To See Game At Every Major League Baseball Stadium

NEW YORK—Admitting that it has always been a lifelong dream of his, baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters Wednesday that he still hopes to eventually attend a game at every MLB stadium in the country. “So far, I’ve been to six—Fenway, Tropicana, Nationals Park, the Phillies one, and both stadiums in New York,” said Selig, who then quickly corrected himself upon realizing he has yet to visit the new Yankee Stadium. “I haven’t done Milwaukee yet, or any of the Midwest ballparks, now that I think about it. I haven’t been to any on the West Coast either, but next week I’ll be in L.A. for work, so I might try to finally see the Dodgers if they have a home game then.” Selig then added that he will hopefully cross several stadiums off his list this August during a long road trip he has been planning with his father.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close