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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Bud Selig Still Hoping To See Game At Every Major League Baseball Stadium

NEW YORK—Admitting that it has always been a lifelong dream of his, baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters Wednesday that he still hopes to eventually attend a game at every MLB stadium in the country. “So far, I’ve been to six—Fenway, Tropicana, Nationals Park, the Phillies one, and both stadiums in New York,” said Selig, who then quickly corrected himself upon realizing he has yet to visit the new Yankee Stadium. “I haven’t done Milwaukee yet, or any of the Midwest ballparks, now that I think about it. I haven’t been to any on the West Coast either, but next week I’ll be in L.A. for work, so I might try to finally see the Dodgers if they have a home game then.” Selig then added that he will hopefully cross several stadiums off his list this August during a long road trip he has been planning with his father.

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