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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Budget Cheat Day Lets Government Splurge On Anything It Wants Once A Week

WASHINGTON—With lawmakers on both sides of the aisle agreeing that everyone deserves to be a little naughty once in a while, sources revealed Thursday a newly enacted budget cheat day that allows government officials to splurge on spending once per week. “It’s so much easier to be fiscally responsible when you know that, come Saturday, you’ll get to indulge in whatever expenditures you want,” said Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx, adding that he didn’t mind treating himself to a $200 billion upgrade of the nation’s interstate highway system if he’s “been good” during the preceding six days. “Honestly, I’d lose my mind if I had to stick to my allocated funds the whole week. Now I know that if I can just hang in there, there’s a massive investment in the nation’s freight infrastructure waiting for me on the weekend.” At press time, Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson was skipping budget cheat day, as he had reportedly been binging on immigration enforcement all week long and didn’t think he deserved it.

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