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Budget Cheat Day Lets Government Splurge On Anything It Wants Once A Week

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

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PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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Budget Cheat Day Lets Government Splurge On Anything It Wants Once A Week

WASHINGTON—With lawmakers on both sides of the aisle agreeing that everyone deserves to be a little naughty once in a while, sources revealed Thursday a newly enacted budget cheat day that allows government officials to splurge on spending once per week. “It’s so much easier to be fiscally responsible when you know that, come Saturday, you’ll get to indulge in whatever expenditures you want,” said Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx, adding that he didn’t mind treating himself to a $200 billion upgrade of the nation’s interstate highway system if he’s “been good” during the preceding six days. “Honestly, I’d lose my mind if I had to stick to my allocated funds the whole week. Now I know that if I can just hang in there, there’s a massive investment in the nation’s freight infrastructure waiting for me on the weekend.” At press time, Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson was skipping budget cheat day, as he had reportedly been binging on immigration enforcement all week long and didn’t think he deserved it.

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