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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College. “UDC has all the same classes you’d be taking in your first two years anyway, and this way you wouldn’t have to rack up a ton of debt before you’ve even figured out your major,” said the president, echoing his wife’s argument about how much money their daughter could save by commuting to a nearby city college rather than paying overpriced room and board fees, on top of a hefty tuition, at a large private university or elite liberal arts school. “The other great thing about UDC is that it would be much easier to get a part-time job at the mall or Starbucks or wherever so you could earn some extra spending money. Plus, you can always transfer later; your mom’s friend Gwen went to Cornell after two years at a community college. Anyway, the point is, a great education can come from anywhere, and UDC is every bit as good as any other school.” At press time, the Obamas were attempting to coax a reluctant Malia to at least check out the UDC website by promising to pitch in to help her buy a used car if she agreed to stay in town through her sophomore year.

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