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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College. “UDC has all the same classes you’d be taking in your first two years anyway, and this way you wouldn’t have to rack up a ton of debt before you’ve even figured out your major,” said the president, echoing his wife’s argument about how much money their daughter could save by commuting to a nearby city college rather than paying overpriced room and board fees, on top of a hefty tuition, at a large private university or elite liberal arts school. “The other great thing about UDC is that it would be much easier to get a part-time job at the mall or Starbucks or wherever so you could earn some extra spending money. Plus, you can always transfer later; your mom’s friend Gwen went to Cornell after two years at a community college. Anyway, the point is, a great education can come from anywhere, and UDC is every bit as good as any other school.” At press time, the Obamas were attempting to coax a reluctant Malia to at least check out the UDC website by promising to pitch in to help her buy a used car if she agreed to stay in town through her sophomore year.

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