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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Budget Woes Force Heaven To Reduce Eternal Life To 500 Billion Years

THE HEAVENS—Saying they were reluctant to make the change but that budget pressures left them no other choice, divine sources announced Tuesday that the traditional promise of salvation would be reduced from eternity to 500 billion years. “To help us meet the rising cost of maintaining Heaven as a lavish kingdom of perfection for all penitent souls, we will now be limiting believers to afterlives consisting of half a trillion years, an amount of time we still feel is quite generous,” Archangel Michael stated at a press conference revealing the changes, which are set to go into effect immediately and apply to all God-fearing peoples who are currently alive, previously deceased, and yet to be born. “We want to assure all those who have lived virtuous, righteous lives that they will see no dilution in the legendary splendor and magnificence of the Heavenly realm, and that the only difference they will encounter is the new cap on the duration of their stay in paradise.” The Archangel added that divine officials would ensure that all redeemed souls would be painlessly extinguished into oblivion once their 500 billion years expired.

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