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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Budget Woes Force Heaven To Reduce Eternal Life To 500 Billion Years

THE HEAVENS—Saying they were reluctant to make the change but that budget pressures left them no other choice, divine sources announced Tuesday that the traditional promise of salvation would be reduced from eternity to 500 billion years. “To help us meet the rising cost of maintaining Heaven as a lavish kingdom of perfection for all penitent souls, we will now be limiting believers to afterlives consisting of half a trillion years, an amount of time we still feel is quite generous,” Archangel Michael stated at a press conference revealing the changes, which are set to go into effect immediately and apply to all God-fearing peoples who are currently alive, previously deceased, and yet to be born. “We want to assure all those who have lived virtuous, righteous lives that they will see no dilution in the legendary splendor and magnificence of the Heavenly realm, and that the only difference they will encounter is the new cap on the duration of their stay in paradise.” The Archangel added that divine officials would ensure that all redeemed souls would be painlessly extinguished into oblivion once their 500 billion years expired.

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