adBlockCheck

Business

Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern

ST. LOUIS—An educated gentleman of discerning tastes entered a reputable public house Tuesday, whereupon he reportedly purchased a Budweiser American Lager. "The crisp smoothness of this beer must come from its use of the choicest rice," said the gentleman, who after expertly swirling the bottle in his hand took note of an aroma that he presumed to be the legacy of many generations of brewmasters and their uncompromising adherence to a classic recipe of five all-natural ingredients. "And the distinct character of this lager is no doubt the product of its exclusive beechwood aging process. Truly, this be a king of beers." Following the consumption of his eighth bottle, the gentleman excused himself, made his way into the lavatory, and vomited into a urinal.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close