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Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle

BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of shit, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of shit to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class shitass Terrell Owens. "With T.O., the Bills get a complete and total shit with the potential to generate more disappointment than anyone in Buffalo could have hoped for," said NFL.com senior analyst Pat Kirwan. "Throw him in with their pile-of-shit offensive line, future Hall of Fame shithead at running back, shitty quarterback, and shit-for-brains coach, and this team has everything in place needed to achieve its shitful potential." According to Bill's front-office dipshits, the team has the tenacity to fight for the full 60 minutes in the huddle, in the locker room, and in local strip club parking lots.

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