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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle

BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of shit, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of shit to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class shitass Terrell Owens. "With T.O., the Bills get a complete and total shit with the potential to generate more disappointment than anyone in Buffalo could have hoped for," said NFL.com senior analyst Pat Kirwan. "Throw him in with their pile-of-shit offensive line, future Hall of Fame shithead at running back, shitty quarterback, and shit-for-brains coach, and this team has everything in place needed to achieve its shitful potential." According to Bill's front-office dipshits, the team has the tenacity to fight for the full 60 minutes in the huddle, in the locker room, and in local strip club parking lots.

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