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Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins

BUFFALO, NY—Following their thrilling 38-35 week-two victory over the Oakland Raiders Sunday, the Buffalo Bills expressed confusion over what the hell they were supposed to do with their two wins now that they have them. "I hope we get to keep these, because a lot of the guys really like these wins," said quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, helping teammates build a special shelf in the corner of the locker room where the team intends to keep the wins. "I bet you if we lose this week the league will try to take them away from us, but we're not going to let ’em. We love these wins." As of press time, several players had asked head coach Chan Gailey whether the NFL had a rewards program in which wins could be cashed in for flight upgrades or similar prizes.

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