Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins

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Vol 47 Issue 38

Doc Martin

PBS 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC You cannot make fun of your parents for watching this inoffensive, PBS-friendly British import and start to get sucked into it at the same time. You must choose.

Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet.

Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins

BUFFALO, NY—Following their thrilling 38-35 week-two victory over the Oakland Raiders Sunday, the Buffalo Bills expressed confusion over what the hell they were supposed to do with their two wins now that they have them. "I hope we get to keep these, because a lot of the guys really like these wins," said quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, helping teammates build a special shelf in the corner of the locker room where the team intends to keep the wins. "I bet you if we lose this week the league will try to take them away from us, but we're not going to let ’em. We love these wins." As of press time, several players had asked head coach Chan Gailey whether the NFL had a rewards program in which wins could be cashed in for flight upgrades or similar prizes.

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