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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Bugs Infesting Area Apartment Have No Clear Goal

BUFFALO, NY—Residents in a downtown apartment questioned the goals and motives of the bugs infesting their home this week after watching cockroaches wander aimlessly from room to room with no apparent objective. "At first I thought they were just searching for food," Valerie Dicaro said Wednesday, adding that she figured the bugs would have their act together by now, considering it's been six months. "But then I saw a bunch of them in the hallway, where there's no food at all. What exactly is the game plan here?" Dicaro stated that if the bugs fail to make any progress soon, she might have to kill them.

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