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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq

BAGHDAD—The war in Iraq came to a sudden, complete, and ultimately heartwarming end after the U.S. Army's hapless 115th Regiment defeated the insurgent forces in what military observers are terming a startling victory for the war's most notorious underdog unit.

Spc. Bartowsky leads an unlikely formation in the Iraqi desert.

"I hereby announce the cessation of hostilities in the country of Iraq," said the head of U.S. Central Command, Gen. John Abizaid, grudgingly singling out the ragtag bunch of misfits at a press conference Monday. "In all my years of military experience, I've never seen a sorrier group of bumbling, no-good, dangerously incompetent yahoos as the 115th. But, against my better judgment, and in recognition of their valor, courage, hijinks, and hilarity, I'm nominating each of these lovable bastards for the Congressional Medal of Honor."

Despite a record of egregious tactical errors, a high rate of friendly-fire deaths, and an official classification as "dishonorable dingbats," the 115th Light Infantry Regiment—or "Walters' Wombats," as they were known throughout southern Iraq—sent troop morale soaring in the occupied territories after they wiped out a group of enemy combatants in the insurgent-controlled suburbs of Baghdad last week.

"These were the last kids anybody expected to win the U.S. military mission in Iraq, or anything else, for that matter," said Sgt. Matthew Walters, the regiment's commanding officer. "[Spc. Charlie] Bartowsky ate so many hot dogs, he couldn't even fit inside his Hummer, [Lance Cpl.] Novak's thick glasses kept falling off whenever he had to disarm a mine, and of course, wisecracking [Pfc. Albert] Peterman was killed by sniper fire."

"All I know is I had to finally put down the booze and get my career back on track, because, sorry as I was, I happened to be the only one who believed in them," Walters added. "Otherwise, they were all going back in body bags, for sure."

Low on fuel, ammunition, and self-respect, the Wombats had lost any hope of survival after being pinned down outside a bombed-out elementary school Friday afternoon.

"Gosh, we were so down in the dumps after seeing our friends maimed or killed, we were just about ready to call it quits," Cpl. Ben Tanner, an awkward beanpole, said. "Things looked so rotten for us, [Pfc. Larry] LaRue and I had devised a harebrained mutual-suicide scheme. But then Joey showed up."

Gum-cracking Georgia peach Spc. Jolene "Joey" Saunders was sent to the 115th as a last-minute reinforcement. Though her arrival was met with more jeers than cheers, she provided the turning point in last week's battle after single-handedly killing three truckloads of enemy troops from 500 meters away with her rocket-propelled grenade launcher—without breaking a sweat.

"Sarge told us that if Joey could do it, so could we," Tanner said. "We decided to win this stupid war for the Sarge once and for all."

Though they are now credited with solving an intractable regional conflict many thought would end in retreat, the Wombats' only previous victory came against a British mobile military hospital they destroyed in a tragically wacky barrage of mortar fire.

Throughout their tour of duty, they were repeatedly reprimanded for fumbling grenades, getting lost after reading GPS-generated satellite maps upside down, and stranding fellow soldiers in the middle of pitched urban firefights in order to flirt with sassy Iraqi civilians.

After a series of unorthodox operations—including binding and gagging Iraqi guards, stealing their uniforms, and leaving them naked and freezing—the Wombats finally took the upper hand when bookworm Spc. Saul Falbaum's secret ability to read Arabic led the regiment to a hidden cache of the chemical agent white phosphorus.

"Boy, you should have seen the looks on those crazy Iraqis' faces when we let that stuff loose," Sgt. Walters said. "We were all scrambling to find impenetrable metal barriers and trying to get our gas masks on, but I'd bet dollars to donuts it was priceless."

Satellite footage shows that the victorious goofball maneuver prompted a moment of stunned silence, then wild applause by rival units and scarred Iraqi civilians, who swarmed the unlikely heroes and carried them off the battlefield. Within hours, diplomatic relations were established with a new, democratically united Iraq.

"Let's hear it for Walters' Wombats!" said President George W. Bush in a special televised awards ceremony for the vindicated oddballs, all of whom now have girlfriends for the first time in their lives. "The war is over. Now let's party!"

Funeral services for Pfc. Booker T. Roosevelt, the regiment's token African American and medic, will be held Thursday at St. Paul Baptist Church in Harlem.

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