adBlockCheck

Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers

HENLY, TX—Unusually warm temperatures, regular rainfall, and innovative agricultural techniques have resulted in the third-straight record Nilla harvest, the nation's Nilla farmers report. "It's a great time to be in the cookie business," said Eugene Jesperson, shortbread magnate and three-time recipient of the Postprandial Society's Golden-Brown Medal For Excellence, during a tour of his 50,000-acre Nilla orchards Tuesday. "I haven't seen the Nilla this thick on the vine since I was a kid, and the Nilla weevils have left us alone for a while now." The bumper crop is a rare spot of good news for America's flavoring growers, who have been plagued in recent years by cinnablight, choc-o-mold, and crumb fungus.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close