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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers

HENLY, TX—Unusually warm temperatures, regular rainfall, and innovative agricultural techniques have resulted in the third-straight record Nilla harvest, the nation's Nilla farmers report. "It's a great time to be in the cookie business," said Eugene Jesperson, shortbread magnate and three-time recipient of the Postprandial Society's Golden-Brown Medal For Excellence, during a tour of his 50,000-acre Nilla orchards Tuesday. "I haven't seen the Nilla this thick on the vine since I was a kid, and the Nilla weevils have left us alone for a while now." The bumper crop is a rare spot of good news for America's flavoring growers, who have been plagued in recent years by cinnablight, choc-o-mold, and crumb fungus.

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