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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Bunch Of Numbers From Where Daddy Works Means No Trip To Disney World

RED OAK, MI—Six-year-old Kevin Bligh confirmed Friday that the papers Daddy brings home from work with all the numbers on them mean there will be no trip to Disney World this year after all. “The numbers are mean because they make Daddy sad sometimes,” said Bligh, who drew a picture of a crying Mickey Mouse and an angry Daddy, who was holding up a paper with red-colored numbers on them. “And Mommy and Daddy always wave the number papers around when they’re yelling. Sometimes Daddy just sits at the kitchen table and stares at the numbers while he drinks from his brown bottle.” Although the first-grader told reporters that Daddy hugs him tightly at bedtime and promises everything’s going to be all right, Bligh said he’s pretty sure Daddy is lying to him.

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