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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Bunch Of Numbers From Where Daddy Works Means No Trip To Disney World

RED OAK, MI—Six-year-old Kevin Bligh confirmed Friday that the papers Daddy brings home from work with all the numbers on them mean there will be no trip to Disney World this year after all. “The numbers are mean because they make Daddy sad sometimes,” said Bligh, who drew a picture of a crying Mickey Mouse and an angry Daddy, who was holding up a paper with red-colored numbers on them. “And Mommy and Daddy always wave the number papers around when they’re yelling. Sometimes Daddy just sits at the kitchen table and stares at the numbers while he drinks from his brown bottle.” Although the first-grader told reporters that Daddy hugs him tightly at bedtime and promises everything’s going to be all right, Bligh said he’s pretty sure Daddy is lying to him.

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