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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Burger King Fire Kills Seven Overweight Teenage Mothers:

Burger King

ATLANTA—Flames tore through an Atlanta-area Burger King Tuesday, killing seven overweight teenage mothers and leaving the restaurant's manager with an equal number of positions to fill before tomorrow's noon lunch rush.
"We've got all shifts available," manager Stephen Rollo said. "Day, night, weekends, you name it."

Rollo said the employees/young mothers who perished in the blaze fought bravely, but could not escape. "It was horrible. Lisa, Kathy, Dawn, Gina, LaTonya, Renee and Pam were all trapped behind a wall of flames. There was nothing we could do," he said.

While the cause of the fire remains a mystery, Rollo said that one thing is certain: "Those were seven very special, very courageous women, the kind that are not easily replaced," he said. "At least not on such short notice."

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