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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Burger King Fire Kills Seven Overweight Teenage Mothers:

Burger King

ATLANTA—Flames tore through an Atlanta-area Burger King Tuesday, killing seven overweight teenage mothers and leaving the restaurant's manager with an equal number of positions to fill before tomorrow's noon lunch rush.
"We've got all shifts available," manager Stephen Rollo said. "Day, night, weekends, you name it."

Rollo said the employees/young mothers who perished in the blaze fought bravely, but could not escape. "It was horrible. Lisa, Kathy, Dawn, Gina, LaTonya, Renee and Pam were all trapped behind a wall of flames. There was nothing we could do," he said.

While the cause of the fire remains a mystery, Rollo said that one thing is certain: "Those were seven very special, very courageous women, the kind that are not easily replaced," he said. "At least not on such short notice."

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