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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work

MIAMI—Fast-food chain Burger King held a press conference Tuesday to unveil the newest thing on its menu for parents to halfheartedly throw in front of their kids' faces after yet an-other hellish day at the office. "Whether they're too exhausted to prepare the simplest meal or just want something for their kids to chew on quietly in the backseat so they can enjoy the first 10 minutes of peace and quiet they've had all day, parents will love this new thing," said senior vice president Alex Macedo, adding that the thing will also come in barbecue flavor. "It's hot, basic sustenance in a wrapper, and it's perfect for kids whose parents are glumly sifting through bills or wearily going over paperwork for tomorrow's 9 a.m. meeting." Macedo added that the new item will also come with a stupid little toy thing that should keep kids occupied for at least another 15 minutes.

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