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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work

MIAMI—Fast-food chain Burger King held a press conference Tuesday to unveil the newest thing on its menu for parents to halfheartedly throw in front of their kids' faces after yet an-other hellish day at the office. "Whether they're too exhausted to prepare the simplest meal or just want something for their kids to chew on quietly in the backseat so they can enjoy the first 10 minutes of peace and quiet they've had all day, parents will love this new thing," said senior vice president Alex Macedo, adding that the thing will also come in barbecue flavor. "It's hot, basic sustenance in a wrapper, and it's perfect for kids whose parents are glumly sifting through bills or wearily going over paperwork for tomorrow's 9 a.m. meeting." Macedo added that the new item will also come with a stupid little toy thing that should keep kids occupied for at least another 15 minutes.

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