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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work

MIAMI—Fast-food chain Burger King held a press conference Tuesday to unveil the newest thing on its menu for parents to halfheartedly throw in front of their kids' faces after yet an-other hellish day at the office. "Whether they're too exhausted to prepare the simplest meal or just want something for their kids to chew on quietly in the backseat so they can enjoy the first 10 minutes of peace and quiet they've had all day, parents will love this new thing," said senior vice president Alex Macedo, adding that the thing will also come in barbecue flavor. "It's hot, basic sustenance in a wrapper, and it's perfect for kids whose parents are glumly sifting through bills or wearily going over paperwork for tomorrow's 9 a.m. meeting." Macedo added that the new item will also come with a stupid little toy thing that should keep kids occupied for at least another 15 minutes.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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