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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead

ROYAL FOOD COURT OF THE BURGER KING—Gabriello di Mangiagrasso, the King of Burger's royal food taster since 1986, was found dead in his private booth in the Palace Dining Room, the king's foresters somberly reported Monday. "Woe, woe, the king's royal assayer hath perished this morning with a single bite of a BK Stacker sandwich, and with him the safety and security of this very court!" said Constable Ernesto Regulio, who did not know whether di Mangiagrasso had taken a sip of his strawberry milkshake before his death. "Gabriello was a fine taster who loved chicken tenders and gave his very life to protect our glorious king, who though gratefully alive, is dreadfully hungry!" An autopsy revealed no traces of poison in the taster's body, but investigators say his death could be linked to 22 years of built-up plaque in his coronary arteries rupturing and releasing fats and cholesterol into his bloodstream, causing severe clotting, and cutting off blood flow to the heart.
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