Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Good Times

Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead

ROYAL FOOD COURT OF THE BURGER KING—Gabriello di Mangiagrasso, the King of Burger's royal food taster since 1986, was found dead in his private booth in the Palace Dining Room, the king's foresters somberly reported Monday. "Woe, woe, the king's royal assayer hath perished this morning with a single bite of a BK Stacker sandwich, and with him the safety and security of this very court!" said Constable Ernesto Regulio, who did not know whether di Mangiagrasso had taken a sip of his strawberry milkshake before his death. "Gabriello was a fine taster who loved chicken tenders and gave his very life to protect our glorious king, who though gratefully alive, is dreadfully hungry!" An autopsy revealed no traces of poison in the taster's body, but investigators say his death could be linked to 22 years of built-up plaque in his coronary arteries rupturing and releasing fats and cholesterol into his bloodstream, causing severe clotting, and cutting off blood flow to the heart.