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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead

ROYAL FOOD COURT OF THE BURGER KING—Gabriello di Mangiagrasso, the King of Burger's royal food taster since 1986, was found dead in his private booth in the Palace Dining Room, the king's foresters somberly reported Monday. "Woe, woe, the king's royal assayer hath perished this morning with a single bite of a BK Stacker sandwich, and with him the safety and security of this very court!" said Constable Ernesto Regulio, who did not know whether di Mangiagrasso had taken a sip of his strawberry milkshake before his death. "Gabriello was a fine taster who loved chicken tenders and gave his very life to protect our glorious king, who though gratefully alive, is dreadfully hungry!" An autopsy revealed no traces of poison in the taster's body, but investigators say his death could be linked to 22 years of built-up plaque in his coronary arteries rupturing and releasing fats and cholesterol into his bloodstream, causing severe clotting, and cutting off blood flow to the heart.

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