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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Burglar Hiding In Pistorius' Bathroom Figures Now Probably His Best Chance To Escape

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Over a week after Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius’ arrest for the alleged murder of his girlfriend, the burglar hiding inside the sprinter’s shower decided that now was probably his best chance to make his getaway from the residence. “Well, I guess the coast is finally clear,” said the 35-year-old robber, who broke into Pistorius’ home on Valentine’s Day, hid behind the shower curtain as the double-amputee shot his girlfriend, and evaded apprehension during the extensive investigation of the crime scene by quietly standing inside the bathroom tub for seven straight days. “Looks like they’re finally done poking around. I thought for sure Pistorius would think to look back here after his girlfriend died, or at least one of those detectives, but nope.” While slinking away from the residence, the burglar admitted he was especially lucky that the one detective who saw him hiding in the shower was too drunk to do anything about it.

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