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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Burglar Hiding In Pistorius' Bathroom Figures Now Probably His Best Chance To Escape

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Over a week after Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius’ arrest for the alleged murder of his girlfriend, the burglar hiding inside the sprinter’s shower decided that now was probably his best chance to make his getaway from the residence. “Well, I guess the coast is finally clear,” said the 35-year-old robber, who broke into Pistorius’ home on Valentine’s Day, hid behind the shower curtain as the double-amputee shot his girlfriend, and evaded apprehension during the extensive investigation of the crime scene by quietly standing inside the bathroom tub for seven straight days. “Looks like they’re finally done poking around. I thought for sure Pistorius would think to look back here after his girlfriend died, or at least one of those detectives, but nope.” While slinking away from the residence, the burglar admitted he was especially lucky that the one detective who saw him hiding in the shower was too drunk to do anything about it.

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