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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Burned-Out Coffee-Shop Employee Just Lets Paul Simon Play For Fifth Time

PORTLAND, OR—Exhausted and beyond the point of caring what music she listens to while working, 22-year-old Espresso Royale Cafe employee Jennifer Bergstrom let Paul Simon's Graceland repeat in the coffee shop's CD player for a fifth time Monday. "I've already heard 'The Boy In The Bubble' four times today," Bergstrom said. "Would hearing Paul Simon sing, 'These are the days of miracle and wonder, this is a long-distance call,' one more damn time honestly make any difference at this point?" During her 10-hour shift, Bergstrom also listened to Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily three times and a Putumayo world-music compilation twice.

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