Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

Top Headlines

Food

Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Healthy Eating

Food

Outback

Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI–The Burundi Beef Council, a non-profit organization that offers beef recipes, beef-safety information, and tips on low-fat cooking and eating, made a desperate plea Monday for any beef whatsoever.

A young boy sits beside one of the Burundi Beef Council's new billboards.

"I beg of you, please send my people some beef, so that we may have something to put on the grill for a 'Great Summer Steakout,'" said Burundi Beef Council president Ketumile Nkewale, kicking off an ambitious $800 campaign promoting the consumption and donation of beef. "There are so many mouth-watering, easy-to-prepare recipes, from grilled ribeye with mushroom sauce to Southwest sizzlin' sirloin tips, that we would love to try, if only there were some beef in Burundi."

Added Nkewale: "Beef... Do You Maybe Have Even A Little Bit Of It?™"

Following up on the Burundi Pork Board's successful "Pork: The Other Meat We Don't Have" campaign of last year, the promotional blitz targets the world's beef-donor demographic. It will take the form of print ads, billboards, and children holding empty bowls and wailing the slogan, "I Will Die Without Beef.™"

"Please do not think that we are picky or finicky in any way," Nkewale said. "While an Asian beef kabob or roasted sirloin with cranberry-jalapeño salsa would be a real taste sensation, the beef lovers of Burundi would be more than willing to accept the unwanted byproducts of industrial beef processing, including fat, gristle, organs, muscles, skin, eyes, hooves, cartilage, and bone."

Though the demand for beef has skyrocketed in Burundi in recent years, actual consumption has dwindled to zero pounds for the first half of the year 2000.

"Many factors have contributed to the decreased consumption of beef in Burundi, from health concerns to the total absence of any beef anywhere in our land," said Iringa Lubunda, the Burundi Beef Council's director of public relations. "As a result, many Burundians are turning instead to such alternate food sources as shoe leather, lichens, and individual grains of rice retrieved from anthills."

Added Lubunda: "For those of you who are trying to follow a heart-smart diet, remember: If, by some miracle from the gods, you had a 12-ounce cut of flank steak, it would contain just 11 grams of fat. That's less than a single cup of cream of potato soup."

Lubunda then began licking and chewing a glossy photograph of a flank steak from the beef council's press packet.

In addition to reiterating the plea for any beef at all, the press packet features recipes for a variety of tasty beef dishes that Burundians could prepare if given the necessary meat, from Apricot-Glazed Corned Beef to Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry to A Very Small Quantity Of Beef. The packet also tests beef lovers' "Beef IQ" with hamburger trivia, asking such questions as, "At which World's Fair did the hamburger make its debut?" and "What do you think a hamburger would taste like?"

Persons donating beef to Burundi will be eligible for a selection of gifts, from a "Thank You For The Life-Sustaining Beef" tote bag for a six-ounce donation to a lifetime of indentured servitude from a Burundi male for 12 or more ounces.

Next Story