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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI–The Burundi Beef Council, a non-profit organization that offers beef recipes, beef-safety information, and tips on low-fat cooking and eating, made a desperate plea Monday for any beef whatsoever.

A young boy sits beside one of the Burundi Beef Council's new billboards.

"I beg of you, please send my people some beef, so that we may have something to put on the grill for a 'Great Summer Steakout,'" said Burundi Beef Council president Ketumile Nkewale, kicking off an ambitious $800 campaign promoting the consumption and donation of beef. "There are so many mouth-watering, easy-to-prepare recipes, from grilled ribeye with mushroom sauce to Southwest sizzlin' sirloin tips, that we would love to try, if only there were some beef in Burundi."

Added Nkewale: "Beef... Do You Maybe Have Even A Little Bit Of It?™"

Following up on the Burundi Pork Board's successful "Pork: The Other Meat We Don't Have" campaign of last year, the promotional blitz targets the world's beef-donor demographic. It will take the form of print ads, billboards, and children holding empty bowls and wailing the slogan, "I Will Die Without Beef.™"

"Please do not think that we are picky or finicky in any way," Nkewale said. "While an Asian beef kabob or roasted sirloin with cranberry-jalapeño salsa would be a real taste sensation, the beef lovers of Burundi would be more than willing to accept the unwanted byproducts of industrial beef processing, including fat, gristle, organs, muscles, skin, eyes, hooves, cartilage, and bone."

Though the demand for beef has skyrocketed in Burundi in recent years, actual consumption has dwindled to zero pounds for the first half of the year 2000.

"Many factors have contributed to the decreased consumption of beef in Burundi, from health concerns to the total absence of any beef anywhere in our land," said Iringa Lubunda, the Burundi Beef Council's director of public relations. "As a result, many Burundians are turning instead to such alternate food sources as shoe leather, lichens, and individual grains of rice retrieved from anthills."

Added Lubunda: "For those of you who are trying to follow a heart-smart diet, remember: If, by some miracle from the gods, you had a 12-ounce cut of flank steak, it would contain just 11 grams of fat. That's less than a single cup of cream of potato soup."

Lubunda then began licking and chewing a glossy photograph of a flank steak from the beef council's press packet.

In addition to reiterating the plea for any beef at all, the press packet features recipes for a variety of tasty beef dishes that Burundians could prepare if given the necessary meat, from Apricot-Glazed Corned Beef to Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry to A Very Small Quantity Of Beef. The packet also tests beef lovers' "Beef IQ" with hamburger trivia, asking such questions as, "At which World's Fair did the hamburger make its debut?" and "What do you think a hamburger would taste like?"

Persons donating beef to Burundi will be eligible for a selection of gifts, from a "Thank You For The Life-Sustaining Beef" tote bag for a six-ounce donation to a lifetime of indentured servitude from a Burundi male for 12 or more ounces.

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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

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