adBlockCheck

Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer

LATROBE, PA—Latrobe area junior-high-school students on the D bus line commented Monday that bus driver Jim Shaw looked as if he had not slept or showered the entire summer. "I don't remember those bloodshot eyes, the hollow sunken look in his face, the smell of cheap cologne and sweat, or the long, dirty fingernails being there last spring," sixth-grader Jared Fox said. "And I really think he was wearing the same outfit he dropped me off in at the end of last year." When one student eventually asked Shaw how he was doing, Shaw only shook his head and muttered incoherently under his breath.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close