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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer

LATROBE, PA—Latrobe area junior-high-school students on the D bus line commented Monday that bus driver Jim Shaw looked as if he had not slept or showered the entire summer. "I don't remember those bloodshot eyes, the hollow sunken look in his face, the smell of cheap cologne and sweat, or the long, dirty fingernails being there last spring," sixth-grader Jared Fox said. "And I really think he was wearing the same outfit he dropped me off in at the end of last year." When one student eventually asked Shaw how he was doing, Shaw only shook his head and muttered incoherently under his breath.

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