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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer

LATROBE, PA—Latrobe area junior-high-school students on the D bus line commented Monday that bus driver Jim Shaw looked as if he had not slept or showered the entire summer. "I don't remember those bloodshot eyes, the hollow sunken look in his face, the smell of cheap cologne and sweat, or the long, dirty fingernails being there last spring," sixth-grader Jared Fox said. "And I really think he was wearing the same outfit he dropped me off in at the end of last year." When one student eventually asked Shaw how he was doing, Shaw only shook his head and muttered incoherently under his breath.

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