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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Bus Passenger Believes She Lives In World Where Curried Shrimp Is Odorless

PHILADELPHIA—According to several witnesses, bus passenger Marie Wallace apparently believes she exists in a universe wherein curried shrimp does not give off any odor. Wallace, who demonstrated her conviction Saturday by eating large amounts of the food from a Styrofoam container while traveling on a crowded Greyhound coach from Philadelphia to Boston, is reportedly under the impression that aromatic molecular compounds do not travel through space and react with olfactory chemoreceptor cells in the human nose. Passengers also suggested that Wallace believes sound waves do not carry within a narrow, enclosed vehicle, judging from the animated seven-minute phone conversation she had with her friend Deb about her friend Deb's ex-husband, Jim.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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