adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bus Passenger Believes She Lives In World Where Curried Shrimp Is Odorless

PHILADELPHIA—According to several witnesses, bus passenger Marie Wallace apparently believes she exists in a universe wherein curried shrimp does not give off any odor. Wallace, who demonstrated her conviction Saturday by eating large amounts of the food from a Styrofoam container while traveling on a crowded Greyhound coach from Philadelphia to Boston, is reportedly under the impression that aromatic molecular compounds do not travel through space and react with olfactory chemoreceptor cells in the human nose. Passengers also suggested that Wallace believes sound waves do not carry within a narrow, enclosed vehicle, judging from the animated seven-minute phone conversation she had with her friend Deb about her friend Deb's ex-husband, Jim.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close