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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Bus-Stop Ad Has More Legal Protections Than Average Citizen

BOSTON—According to the National Consumer Law Center, a bus-stop poster advertising the weight-loss pill TrimSpa has more legal protections than the average citizen. "The TrimSpa bus poster enjoys broad First and 14th Amendment coverage, as well as extensive deterrents to willful damage," NCLC spokesperson Angela Broadbent said. "Unfortunately, this is not true of claims made by citizens in regard to the ad, its product, or the Nutramerica Corporation." Nutramerica has brought a lawsuit against Broadbent and NCLC executives on charges of slander, libel, and conspiracy to undermine the public good.

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