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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bus-Stop Ad Has More Legal Protections Than Average Citizen

BOSTON—According to the National Consumer Law Center, a bus-stop poster advertising the weight-loss pill TrimSpa has more legal protections than the average citizen. "The TrimSpa bus poster enjoys broad First and 14th Amendment coverage, as well as extensive deterrents to willful damage," NCLC spokesperson Angela Broadbent said. "Unfortunately, this is not true of claims made by citizens in regard to the ad, its product, or the Nutramerica Corporation." Nutramerica has brought a lawsuit against Broadbent and NCLC executives on charges of slander, libel, and conspiracy to undermine the public good.
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