Bus Transporting Carnival Cruise Passengers Crashes Into Sewage Treatment Plant

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Bus Transporting Carnival Cruise Passengers Crashes Into Sewage Treatment Plant

MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours after they disembarked the filthy ship and boarded a charter bus for New Orleans, their vehicle careened off the road and crashed into a local sewage treatment plant. “Oh, goddamn it, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” former Triumph traveler Laura Jackson said as torrents of human waste rose around her ankles and soiled her newly changed clothing. “You know what? Bring it on. Just go ahead and pour shit all over me. Lock me in a Porta-Potty and roll me down a hill, see if I give a fuck. Screw it.” At press time, Carnival had issued an apology to all passengers affected by the accident and offered them 100 Loyalty Club points redeemable on any future cruise.

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