Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 04

College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader

SYLACAUGA, AL—His eyes trained on the Sylacauga East High School football field during after-school practice, University of Alabama football scout Calvin Weaver announced Monday that he sees "great promise" in head cheerleader Cindy Ann Kohlner. "With that flexibility, [Kohlner] would clearly dominate the league in the sack," Weaver said. "You can't look at someone like her without thinking 'tight end.' But really, she would be outstanding in any position." Weaver also said that, given the opportunity, he would "love to fuck her."

Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die

BROCKTON, MA—Father Sean Lonergan, 36, a priest at St. Veronica Catholic Church, told reporters Tuesday that he plans to give up the collar when his parents die. "I've come to the realization that the priesthood is not for me, but it would crush Mom and Dad to see me abandon my faith," Lonergan said. "They've always been so good to me and my four brothers, so I can wait." Lonergan said both his parents have lived hard lives and couldn't possibly have more than 20-odd years left in them.

Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer

WASHINGTON, DC—White House sources reported Monday that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is the only cabinet member who can figure out how to change the toner in the White House printer. "Let me walk you through it again," Rumsfeld said. "You lift the toner-cartridge lid, then you move this switch back and remove the old cartridge. That goes in el garbage. Next, you remove this tape here from the new cartridge—now, that's important. If you forget that, you'll be printing blank pages all day long. Okay, so you just slide it on in, and you're good to go." When reached for comment, Rumsfeld said he doesn't mind changing the toner, but doesn't see what's so hard about it.

Atkins-Friendly Fast Food

Many fast-food restaurants have introduced low-carb menu items intended to lure Atkins dieters. Among the most popular:

Enter Tha Office

Check it out, G's: Lotta shit in this column ain't foe tha eyes a' amateurs. If you a pussy, you best skip ovah this thang an' tune in tha ladiez' channel or somethin', cuz what I about 2 lay down deserve its own parental-advisory stickah, know what I'm sayin'? This straight-up, non-stop, hardcore shit, y'all, an' tol' wit' mad suspense, too, tha kind that make yo' shit evacuate, know what I'm sayin'? It like a haiku a' violence.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Innovation

Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House

BOSTON—Addressing guests at a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser, George W. Bush pledged Monday that, if re-elected in November, he and running mate Dick Cheney will "restore honor and dignity to the White House."

Bush says he will "put an end to the current lack of honesty and compassion in Washington."

"After years of false statements and empty promises, it's time for big changes in Washington," Bush said. "We need a president who will finally stand up and fight against the lies and corruption. It's time to renew the faith the people once had in the White House. If elected, I pledge to usher in a new era of integrity inside the Oval Office."

Bush told the crowd that, if given the opportunity, he would work to reestablish the goodwill of the American people "from the very first hour of the very first day" of his second term.

"The people have spoken," Bush said. "They said they want change. They said it's time to clean up Washington. They're tired of politics as usual. They're tired of the pursuit of self-interest that has gripped Washington. They want to see an end to partisan bickering and closed-door decision-making. If I'm elected, I'll make sure that the American people can once again place their trust in the White House."

Bush said the soaring national debt and the lengthy war in Iraq have shaken Americans' faith in the highest levels of government.

"A credibility gap has opened between the Oval Office and America," Bush said. "The public hears talk, but they don't see any result. But if you choose me as your next president, the promises I make in my inaugural address will actually mean something. The president of this country will be held accountable for his promises, starting Jan. 20 of next year."

Bush said that, if chosen to be the next president, he would "set the nation on a course to a new, different, and brighter future."

"One thing is clear—it's time for a fresh beginning," Bush said. "Choose the ticket that leads to freedom, peace, and security. Choose Bush and Cheney."

Cheney spoke Monday at an event in Atlanta, addressing a crowd of 2,500 supporters from the tobacco and soft-drink industries.

"After these past three years, we need to rebuild a government based on old-fashioned American values: duty, dignity, and responsibility," said Cheney, who has served as a Wyoming congressman and U.S. vice-president. "George Bush is a man of these values, and he's ready to begin to put them to work in Washington."

Cheney continued: "George W. Bush will lead this great nation by building coalitions, not burning bridges; by serving the people, not special interests; by looking to the future, while borrowing from the great lessons of the past."

Cheney said he and Bush will return "time-honored American values" to the White House.

"In years past, American citizens looked to the president as a paragon of decency, a beacon in the storm," Cheney said. "When did America lose her way?"

In an interview published in Tuesday's Washington Post, Bush-Cheney 2004 campaign manager Ken Mehlman summarized the new platform.

"Bush-Cheney 2004 is a campaign built on straight talk," Mehlman said. "It's time for a president who can be a role model for Americans. Bush is the man for the job. He'll finally restore integrity to the highest office in the land. Won't you give him a chance?"

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More