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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo

OLYMPUS MONS—President Bush, who in 2004 announced his desire for a manned mission to Mars, was acquired by a prominent Martian zoo Monday. "The President Bush shall have every comfort of home," said an unknowable Martian intelligence whose name is unfathomable to the human mind. "He shall have his Oval Office, his baseball, and simulated humans from his natural habitat, and we shall watch him most closely, for he is adorable sitting at his desk." Zookeepers on the Red Planet hope Bush will mate with the other Earth mammal in the facility, a northern white rhino.
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