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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp

WASHINGTON—With his term in office coming to an end in less than a year, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the remainder of his presidency implementing an initiative that will have as-yet-unknown implications for his successors: the stealing of a coveted $27 desk lamp from the East Room of the White House. "Securing this lamp for my den in Crawford has long been a goal of my presidency," Bush said of the plan, which at present consists of the president making sure no one is in the room before cramming the lamp under his shirt and hurriedly boarding a helicopter that will be waiting in the Rose Garden. "In order to facilitate this imperative, historic measure, I have created a new cabinet-level position whose primary responsibilities will be to act as a lookout and create any necessary diversions needed to ensure the swiping of the lamp." Bush's lamp-stealing plan will reportedly cost taxpayers $3.75 billion.

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