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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush has reportedly been soliciting advice from White House aides for a friend of his who ordered military forces to invade Iraq in 2003, sources said Wednesday. According to aides, Bush described his friend as a little taller than himself, a great guy when you get to know him, the president of a country, and somebody who's in a "really tough spot right now." "[Bush] told me that if I had any ideas about how his friend's military could withdraw from the region while keeping his nation's dignity intact and maintaining some semblance of victory, that I should let him know so he could give the message to his friend," said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. "When I asked him if this 'friend' of his was worried about his legacy, the president said he didn't know what I was talking about and walked away." Bush was later overheard asking a female White House aide what she would do if she found herself suddenly and uncontrollably attracted to ABC News political analyst George Stephanopoulos.

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