adBlockCheck

Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year

WASHINGTON—As his last term in office winds to a close, President Bush has directed White House aids and Cabinet staff to begin preparing for 2008, the nation's 232nd and final year in existence.

"My fellow Americans, it has been an honor to be your last president," said Bush during a televised address Tuesday, assuring citizens he would do everything possible over the next few months to promote a smooth transition into utter oblivion. "I want you all to know that I do not intend to let what precious little time we have left go to waste. That's why I ask all citizens to pull together and follow me, so we can accomplish everything we've ever wanted to before it all crumbles around us in a terrible belch of smoke and ash."

Added Bush, "It's now or never, people. No regrets."

As part of his ambitious 11-and-a-half-month plan, Bush has prioritized winning the War on Terror in order to secure Iraq's stability in a world where the U.S. is nothing more than a fleeting memory. Additionally, he has urged Congress to block upcoming stem-cell legislation "just in case," and has set aside the months of April and May to get in touch with all countries the U.S. has wronged in the past and apologize, and default on America's $9.16 trillion dollar international debt with a wild spending spree, respectively.

A special executive committee has also been formed to draft the country's final words.

In response to critics who claim Bush is a lame duck and plans to pass the responsibility of helplessly watching the collapse of society onto the next president, Bush said he is "still the commander in chief," and remains dedicated to solidifying America's legacy before the darkness takes hold.

"I am committed to making this the best damn Swan Song the world has ever seen," said Bush, after enclosing a copy of the Constitution and a recipe for corn dogs in an air-tight titanium capsule to be placed just across the Canadian border. "I know this looks like the end—and it is—but I intend to go out with a bang. Now, who's with me?"

The president held a special America Wrap-Up press conference with members of the international press earlier today, where he spoke frankly with reporters and gave out long, heartfelt hugs. Bush also took time from his hectic schedule of staring blankly into the gaping maw of absolute dissolution to reflect on the country's past and look forward to its 281-day future.

"Our great nation will be a shining, then blinking, then slowly fading beacon to the world," Bush said. "As our time as a sovereign country with borders and currency comes to a close, let us hope we will be remembered for all the great things we accomplished, and not for the 1960s."

"We sure did have some good times, didn't we?" Bush added.

To help the members of Congress pass the time until both houses are a jagged shell of concrete and marble, looted of valuables by roving bands of nomadic warlords to sell for spears and kerosene, Bush submitted to the Senate a short list of what he called "Dream Projects" to be carried out in the tenuous weeks following Dec. 9, 2008. The nation's last acts include approving one final all-encompassing tax break, launching a nationwide skydiving initiative, reducing carbon emissions by 1 percent over the next decade, and writing his memoirs.

Members of the Bush Administration have consulted with top officials from the CIA, the FBI, NASA, the USDA, the Centers for Disease Control, noted scholars on the myth of Narcissus, a Chernobyl survivor, and the International Atomic Energy Agency to determine if the U.S. will indeed have time to carry out its final wishes. Bush, however, has instructed all Americans "not to get [their] hopes up."

The Democrats, who will hold a majority in the House and Senate until the rule of law is supplanted by an especially savage series of blood feuds, have promised to work with the president for whatever it's worth.

"None of that matters now, don't you see?" Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said. "What will it matter how many Kyoto Protocols we didn't sign or whether we're going to invade Iran in March? Have any of you ever seen a sunset—I mean really seen it?"

While Congress continues to assist the president as we hurdle toward what is known in Norse mythology as Ragnarök or "Doom of the Gods," some have expressed anger at Washington's perceived unwillingness to take action in the face of the coming wall of fire.

"Are we just going to sit back and wait for January?" said Chelsea Furlong, a Tennessee resident and uninsured mother of three. "That's going to take forever. My branch is closing next month—can't we just get it over with then?"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close