Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

WASHINGTON—President Bush called the Coalition of Instrumentalists and Minstrels, more commonly known as the national marching band, to active duty Monday in order to boost the nation's low morale with a series of lively, up-tempo brass numbers. "This is a measure of last resort," Bush said about the decision to bring out the band, whose 7,500-mile route starts in Maine, stretches down the Eastern Seaboard and across the Midwest, and ends in Southern California at the 2015 Rose Bowl. The band will play a 61,300-hour rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever" for the entirety of its cross-country march. Bush added, "If the peppy spirit and eye-catching glide step of this band doesn't cheer people up and fix all the bad problems in our nation, I don't know what can." The national marching band was formed in 1942 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt to take the nation's mind off—and later serve valiantly in—World War II.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close