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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

WASHINGTON—President Bush called the Coalition of Instrumentalists and Minstrels, more commonly known as the national marching band, to active duty Monday in order to boost the nation's low morale with a series of lively, up-tempo brass numbers. "This is a measure of last resort," Bush said about the decision to bring out the band, whose 7,500-mile route starts in Maine, stretches down the Eastern Seaboard and across the Midwest, and ends in Southern California at the 2015 Rose Bowl. The band will play a 61,300-hour rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever" for the entirety of its cross-country march. Bush added, "If the peppy spirit and eye-catching glide step of this band doesn't cheer people up and fix all the bad problems in our nation, I don't know what can." The national marching band was formed in 1942 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt to take the nation's mind off—and later serve valiantly in—World War II.

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