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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003

WASHINGTON, DC—In a keynote address at the National Economic Summit, President Bush issued a bold challenge to the nation's business leaders Monday, calling on them to create 500,000 shitty jobs by next year.

Bush challenges the nation's top CEOs to create thousands of new shit jobs.

"So long as unemployment continues to rise, this recession will continue, as well," said Bush, speaking before nearly 400 of the nation's top CEOs. "That is why I am turning to you to create thousands of new shit jobs. Whether it is a night-shift toilet-cleaning position at an airport or a fry-cook post at a KFC, it's up to you to help provide every hard-working American with a demeaning, go-nowhere job."

During his 25-minute speech, Bush cited a number of industries with the potential to provide gainful, godawful employment for thousands of laid-off Americans.

"I challenge those of you who have made your fortunes in the fields of sheet-metal fabrication, poultry processing, and highway-toll collecting to expand your roster of menial, low-paying positions with no hope of advancement," Bush said. "That is your strength, as it should be the strength of us all."

Bush outlined a plan to offer $10 billion in incentives and tax breaks to companies that demonstrate a commitment to providing soul-suckingly miserable wage-slave employment for Americans.

"We have too many talented people wasting away on our unemployment rolls," Bush said. "And I say, if a broom-factory owner can give a man the opportunity to dunk handfuls of brittle, flammable straw into rank, filthy vats of molten tar for $6.15 an hour, then that broom-factory owner deserves a major tax break."

Four shittily employed members of the American workforce.

Business leaders across the country have been quick to show their support for the president's plan, pledging to create thousands of new low-paying, status-free positions.

"Elco Products is proud to announce that we are looking for qualified applicants to work as line workers in our toxic-adhesive rat-trap division," Elco Products CEO Stephen Nevins said. "We are proud to do our part to help American workers claw their way back up to their knees."

"I can make it possible for up to 50 people in the American Southwest to be mucking out grease traps by this time next week," said Rudy Maleska, president of SouthwasteCo, a Tucson, AZ, industrial-waste-removal service. "Whatever I can do to help my country, count me in."

Critics of Bush's plan were quick to point to its weaknesses, such as a lack of health coverage.

"Under this plan, we cannot guarantee people that their crap jobs will always provide them with healthcare from some shitty HMO," U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) said. "What's the point in earning $17,000 a year wiping the asses of the elderly as an attendant in a nursing home if you can't be sure you'll have at least some inadequate health plan if something happens to you?"

Bush's supporters, for their part, point to the president's recent domestic successes.

"In the past 12 months, we've seen a 7 percent rise in the availability of horrendous housing," U.S. Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK) said. "The current administration has also been working to make absolutely sure that economically disadvantaged children in this country get a substandard education and three vomit-inducing meals a day. Overall, the standard of shitty living has never been higher."

Concluding his speech, Bush reiterated his commitment to creating lousy fucking jobs for all.

"The average unemployed person has given so much to American business," Bush said. "Now it's time for American business to give something really shitty back."

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