adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003

WASHINGTON, DC—In a keynote address at the National Economic Summit, President Bush issued a bold challenge to the nation's business leaders Monday, calling on them to create 500,000 shitty jobs by next year.

Bush challenges the nation's top CEOs to create thousands of new shit jobs.

"So long as unemployment continues to rise, this recession will continue, as well," said Bush, speaking before nearly 400 of the nation's top CEOs. "That is why I am turning to you to create thousands of new shit jobs. Whether it is a night-shift toilet-cleaning position at an airport or a fry-cook post at a KFC, it's up to you to help provide every hard-working American with a demeaning, go-nowhere job."

During his 25-minute speech, Bush cited a number of industries with the potential to provide gainful, godawful employment for thousands of laid-off Americans.

"I challenge those of you who have made your fortunes in the fields of sheet-metal fabrication, poultry processing, and highway-toll collecting to expand your roster of menial, low-paying positions with no hope of advancement," Bush said. "That is your strength, as it should be the strength of us all."

Bush outlined a plan to offer $10 billion in incentives and tax breaks to companies that demonstrate a commitment to providing soul-suckingly miserable wage-slave employment for Americans.

"We have too many talented people wasting away on our unemployment rolls," Bush said. "And I say, if a broom-factory owner can give a man the opportunity to dunk handfuls of brittle, flammable straw into rank, filthy vats of molten tar for $6.15 an hour, then that broom-factory owner deserves a major tax break."

Four shittily employed members of the American workforce.

Business leaders across the country have been quick to show their support for the president's plan, pledging to create thousands of new low-paying, status-free positions.

"Elco Products is proud to announce that we are looking for qualified applicants to work as line workers in our toxic-adhesive rat-trap division," Elco Products CEO Stephen Nevins said. "We are proud to do our part to help American workers claw their way back up to their knees."

"I can make it possible for up to 50 people in the American Southwest to be mucking out grease traps by this time next week," said Rudy Maleska, president of SouthwasteCo, a Tucson, AZ, industrial-waste-removal service. "Whatever I can do to help my country, count me in."

Critics of Bush's plan were quick to point to its weaknesses, such as a lack of health coverage.

"Under this plan, we cannot guarantee people that their crap jobs will always provide them with healthcare from some shitty HMO," U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) said. "What's the point in earning $17,000 a year wiping the asses of the elderly as an attendant in a nursing home if you can't be sure you'll have at least some inadequate health plan if something happens to you?"

Bush's supporters, for their part, point to the president's recent domestic successes.

"In the past 12 months, we've seen a 7 percent rise in the availability of horrendous housing," U.S. Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK) said. "The current administration has also been working to make absolutely sure that economically disadvantaged children in this country get a substandard education and three vomit-inducing meals a day. Overall, the standard of shitty living has never been higher."

Concluding his speech, Bush reiterated his commitment to creating lousy fucking jobs for all.

"The average unemployed person has given so much to American business," Bush said. "Now it's time for American business to give something really shitty back."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close