adBlockCheck

Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009

WASHINGTON, DC—Making a bold statement of appeal to "the long-standing spirit of entrepreneurial enterprise in this great nation" Monday, President Bush challenged the U.S. entertainment industry to produce the perfect romantic comedy by summer 2009.

Bush urges Americans to do their part and "go west" to Hollywood.

"My fellow Americans, it's time for another Sleepless In Seattle," Bush said in a special prime-time address to the nation. "America has the technology. We have the market-research capacity. We have the publicity engines, the screenwriting workshops, and the deal-making power. If we all pull together, we can create the perfect romantic comedy. And America will be able to hold its head high again."

Bush said the U.S. is "prepped to win this."

"By 2009, our best teen stars—potential giants like Lindsay Lohan and that guy who played Stifler—will be at the exact right age to appeal to the crucial 18-to-39 female demographic," Bush said. "No other nation approaches America's resources and capabilities in the area of romantic entertainment."

According to White House officials, recent efforts to create the ultimate romantic comedy, such as Fever Pitch, A Lot Like Love, and Little Black Book, have failed to generate much public interest domestically or internationally.

"It's been 15 years since we had a film as charming as Pretty Woman," Bush said. "These troubled times call for another film with the power to unite us. If we believe in ourselves and in the principles upon which this great democracy rests, we can create, distribute, and market a romantic comedy that will make us laugh and cry."

"We built the first intercontinental railroad," Bush continued. "We invented the electric light bulb. We even split the atom. It's time to remind the world what we're capable of: If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a man and a woman who appear to dislike each other intensely fall madly in love before the closing credits roll."

A scene from <I>When Harry Met Sally</I>, a quality romantic comedy from America's past.

Dubbing his romantic-comedy initiative "Operation Meet-Cute," Bush proposed that Congress earmark $20 billion to aid Hollywood in creating the film. He called on studio heads to "put aside differences and pull together for the common goal," urging executives to "take the long view, and think of the sequel."

Bush proposed adding a special "romcom tax" to all movie tickets, in order to allow all Americans to "do their part for Hollywood and for their country."

The president also urged all able-minded citizens to "join the fight" by pitching ideas for humorous and touching scenarios.

"If you're not in Hollywood already, go west, young man!" Bush said. "We need you to dig in and create fresh plotlines in which celebrities fall in love under unusual, entertaining circumstances."

According to Will Greenberg, director of the White Knights, a Harvard-based think tank that has volunteered their services, fulfilling the commander in chief's orders will require much work.

"We need to see a heartbroken male lead lose the girl at the end of the second act, but maintain our sympathy, so we get the requisite goose bumps when he wins her heart again at the end of the third," Greenberg said. "We need fast-paced, witty banter, and a few well-executed sight gags."

"We also need one wacky sister, saucy coworker, or gay neighbor in whom the heroine can confide," Greenberg continued. "To really do this right, the secondary character needs to be slightly quirky, someone a bit less conformist than the female lead."

Via phone Tuesday, Bush offered additional words of encouragement.

"This may seem like an impossible dream, but it once seemed impossible that Harry and Sally would end up together," Bush said. "But they did. How? With American hard work, know-how, and ingenuity."

Added Bush: "Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston didn't give up. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore didn't give up. The troops fighting for our freedom in Iraq haven't given up. Nora Ephron hasn't given up. And neither will this nation."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close