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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–New Mexico's five electoral votes swung back into the Bush column Monday when George W. Bush executed 253 Las Cruces-area Democrats. With their deaths, the Al Gore-backing Democrats were declared ineligible, wiping out the Democratic candidate's narrow 252-vote victory margin in New Mexico and giving Bush the state by just one vote.

The bodies of Democrats are taken by Bush 2000 coroners.

"We express great sorrow for the families of the condemned," said Karl Rove, Bush's senior strategist. "We must keep in mind, however, that these are not innocent people we're talking about here. These individuals were guilty of a variety of crimes, from vagrancy to jaywalking to reckless endangerment of pedestrians' lives through inappropriate use of rollerblades. And for these crimes, they paid a fair price."

Continued Rove: "The fact that their deaths deliver the state of New Mexico to George W. Bush, well, that's merely a happy coincidence."

The New Mexico Democrats, all of whom lived less than 20 miles from the Texas border city of El Paso, were arrested last Friday during a day-long law-enforcement sweep by Texas state troopers. A majority of the arrests were made in El Paso, where many of the New Mexicans were visiting friends or relatives over the weekend.

Asked if the executions were in any way motivated by his narrow deficit in New Mexico, Bush said, "They most certainly were not."

"All 253 individuals were found guilty in a court of law," Bush said. "They were given a fair, 30-minute trial and handed a punishment commensurate with their misdeeds. Blatant disregard for the law may be tolerated elsewhere, but not in the great state of Texas. Or states close to Texas."

Bush gives the go-ahead sign to executioners at the El Paso Correctional Facility.

The New Mexico Democrats were administered lethal injection and pronounced dead shortly after 3 p.m. in the El Paso Correctional Facility, making them the 36th through 288th persons to be put to death in Texas this year. Immediately afterward, their ballots were nullified in their home voting district of Dona Ana County.

According to Texas Department of Corrections spokesman Martin Cobb, 27 of the executed Democrats were employees of a Las Cruces software company. They had crossed the Texas border to attend the weekend-long Southwest Computer Expo at the El Paso Convention Center.

"All of the information we gathered on the Las Cruces 27 indicated that they were questionable characters," Cobb said. "Some had subscriptions to The New Yorker. A few were confirmed members of the Sierra Club. One even participated in a union-led teachers' strike a few years ago."

Despite cries of protest from families of the deceased, both the Texas Board Of Pardons And Paroles and the Texas Court Of Criminal Appeals refused to stay the executions. Rove, however, is confident that they received a fair trial.

"It was presided over by the Honorable Jacob T. Hayes, one of the most respected and experienced judges in the state," Rove said. "You're talking about a man who is a close personal friend of such esteemed figures as the governor of Florida and a former president of the United States."

Bush, who personally presided over the mass lethal injection, expressed sorrow for those executed.

"It is a tragedy that these people chose to take their lives down such a destructive path," Bush said. "Fortunately, they did not die in vain, for their deaths will serve as a deterrent to other New Mexico Democrats who are considering a similar life of crime."

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