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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Bush Frustrated By Mother's Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House

WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only weeks away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is "fed up" with the way his mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, keeps pestering him about his post–Oval Office plans.

"Every time I see her it's 'have you thought about your future' this, and 'do you know where you're gonna put your presidential library' that," said Bush, who will be moving out of the White House on Jan. 20. "It's like, I'll just get a job as a CEO or board chairman or something. My God, quit worrying about it. I'm 62 years old, for Christ's sake!"

Bush, who has prepared for the end of his second term by learning to play guitar and visiting friends across the country, said he will be "just fine" once he gets out into the real world.

"I might not have the most experience, and I don't have a lot of practical skills, either, but I need to figure this out for myself," Bush said. "I mean, you don't see Cheney's parents riding him about this stuff."

Reached for comment at her summer home in Kennebunkport, ME, Barbara Bush claimed that she only wants what is best for the president, and hopes that he will become more responsible and self-reliant in years to come. Her son, she said, would never even have gotten his job at the White House had she and her husband not "pulled a few strings."

"He's spent the last five or six years fooling around and experimenting with this little Iraq thing he likes so much, but now it's time for him to get serious," Mrs. Bush said. "And if he thinks he's just going to come live with us when this is over, he's got another thing coming."

"Our baby [former Florida governor] Jeb [Bush] already took his old room anyway," she added.

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