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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68 Percent Of People Hate Him

WASHINGTON, DC—In an East Room press conference Tuesday, President Bush told reporters that he had the "sneaking feeling" that 68 percent of the U.S. population hated his guts that day.

"Maybe it's just me, but when I woke up this morning, it really seemed like 60 percent of men and 77 percent of women didn't want to have anything to do with me," Bush said. "I'm even getting the feeling that nearly two out of every three people who identify themselves as devout Christians—people who usually love me—are giving me the cold shoulder lately."

Though Bush admitted he found it "disquieting" that more than two-thirds of the country thinks he is not the right man to lead the nation, he assured the public that he "won't let it affect the way [he does his] job in any way."

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