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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs go on sale. "With any luck, we can pull together as a nation and get through this thing before Dec. 15, 2010," said Bush, referring to the tentative release date of his autobiography, Born Leading. "It would be a terrible tragedy if this massive economic downturn left the average American family unable to afford the $39.95 plus tax they need to buy my book." Bush added that he is currently considering an exclusive straight- to-paperback deal with Wal-Mart to make his memoirs less costly should the country slide into a crippling economic depression.

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