Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns'

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Vol 36 Issue 40

Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We have located alcohol," said Mason Reed, 14, upon making the coconut-flavored find. "Repeat: We have alcohol." Following their one-cap-at-a-time consumption of the bottle's contents, Reed and partners Jake Seidel and Jesse Kite took turns insisting that they felt drunk.

Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo

LAWRENCE, KS–Kinko's patron Matt Morrow, 21, saved $9.23 Tuesday when he pulled the old copy-key switcheroo. "After making 200 copies of a flier for my band's upcoming gig, I put back the copy key and took a fresh one. I then used the new key to make 11 decoy copies, which I paid for." Morrow, a self-described "broke-ass bassist," called the five cents Kinko's charges per photocopy "a total rip."

Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here." Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.

Report: TV Teens 15 Times More Likely To Crack Wise Than Real Teens

NEW YORK–According to a report released Tuesday by the Center For Media Studies, TV teens out-wisecrack real-life teens by a 15-to-1 margin. Said researcher Dr. Andrea Brewer: "Our study found that, when told by a parent, 'You know, son, when I was a kid, I didn't have my own TV in my room,' actual teens were far less likely to respond, 'Yeah, that's 'cause they hadn't been invented yet!' than their fictional counterparts." Brewer noted that the handful of real-life teens who make such smart-alecky retorts have a mere 2 percent chance of being met with laughter and applause.

NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can't find someone special. "All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn't waste his time going to bars and parties," the 32-year-old said. "For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description."

The Low Voter Turnout

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think?

A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers are preparing to strike, meaning no movie magic in 2001! At first, I thought this was some kind of sick joke, but apparently it's true. Come on, Tinseltown, surely there must be some way for you to settle your differences without resorting to measures that would devastate the rest of us. I was all set to spend next year at my local dodecaplex, enjoying the big-screen thrills of Josie And The Pussycats, The General's Daughter II, and whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store. Now what will I do?

Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:

Wal-Mart In Cyberspace

Amid much hype, Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, launched Walmart.com earlier this month. What are some of the features of the online store?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns'

AUSTIN, TX, OR NASHVILLE, TN–In one of the narrowest presidential votes in U.S. history, either George W. Bush or Al Gore was elected the 43rd president of the United States Tuesday, proclaiming the win "a victory for the American people and the dawn of a bold new era in this great nation."

Bush and Gore, one of whom called the election "a victory for America."

"My fellow Americans," a triumphant Bush or Gore told throngs of jubilant, flag-waving supporters at his campaign headquarters, "tonight, we as a nation stand on the brink of many exciting new challenges. And I stand here before you to say that I am ready to meet those challenges."

"The people have spoken," Bush or Gore continued, "and with their vote they have sent the message, loud and clear, that we are the true party of the people."

With these words, the crowd of Republicans or Democrats erupted.

Bush or Gore attributed his victory to his commitment to the issues that matter to ordinary, hardworking Americans. Throughout the campaign, the Republican or Democrat spoke out in favor of improving educational standards, protecting the environment, reducing crime, strengthening the military, cutting taxes, and reforming Social Security. He also took a strong pro-middle-class stand, praising America's working families as "the backbone of this great nation."

"During this campaign, I had the good fortune to meet so many of you. And I listened to your concerns," Bush or Gore said. "And do you know what I found? That your concerns are the same as mine. Like 64-year-old Rosemary Cullums of Wheeling, WV. She said to me, '[Mr. Bush or Mr. Gore], we need to restore a sense of values and decency to this country. I have three young grandchildren, and I worry about the filth they're exposed to on a daily basis from TV and the movies. We need Hollywood to take responsibility for its actions and stop peddling sex and violence to our young people.' I told Rosemary I agreed wholeheartedly and gave her my word that when I became president, I would demand accountability on the part of the entertainment industry. Would my [Democratic or Republican] opponent have said the same?"

"The greatest thing a president can do is set an example for the people," Bush or Gore continued. "And as a devoted family man with a wonderful wife and [two or four] wonderful children, I promise to make the White House a place Americans can feel good about."

The crowd erupted again, with thousands of delirious Republicans or Democrats waving signs reading, "America's Families For [Bush or Gore]" as a blizzard of red, white, and blue confetti fell from the ceiling.

During his 30-minute victory speech, the president-elect also praised his campaign manager, Joe Allbaugh or Donna Brazile, for refusing to resort to the "negative smear tactics of my opponent."

"Unlike my [Democratic or Republican] counterpart, my staff and I insisted that this election be about the issues," Bush or Gore said. "We refused to take the low road and stoop to dirty tricks in order to get elected. While [Mr. Gore or Mr. Bush] was busy with cheap innuendo and unfounded accusations, we were out there taking our message to the American people. And, judging from what happened today at the ballot box, you heard that message loud and clear. And I thank you."

More confetti rained down from the ceiling, this time accompanied by balloons.

Waving to acknowledge his supporters, the Ivy League graduate and scion of a political dynasty called for "a time of renewal and rebirth in America."

"America has always been the land of promise and possibility," Bush or Gore said. "And never has that been more true than today. The opportunities that stand before us are great. The challenges are many. But I am energized by what lies ahead. Make no mistake, there is much work to be done. But we are more than up to the task. Remember that I am here to work for you, the people. Because you are the people who put me here. This is a fresh start. Our children are the future. America is ready for change. And new ideas. And a fresh start."

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