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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations

WASHINGTON, DC—Characterizing the move as a "dramatic new change in the way this administration relates to the public," President Bush ordered the immediate deployment of 6,000 National Guard troops to White House media and public-relations posts throughout the country. "My fellow Americans, we are at war. I have mobilized our brave troops to a position where they can advance my policy objectives to the press and the American people directly," Bush said during a brief press conference, supervised by the newly created Virginia 82nd Airborne Community Outreach Multimedia Battalion. Critics say Bush is putting additional strain on Guard members already stretched thin from their service as replacement legislators in the House and Senate.

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